A lot has been going on lately with my psychiatrist and CAMHS. I was (completely against my will) tested for autism a few weeks ago, and from the results, they have concluded that I do indeed have autism. Now there are many problems with this, not least the fact that many of the symptoms of high functioning autism and social anxiety overlap, but also the fact that the test was invalid in so many ways. First of all, I’d just like to say that it was only in the social side of things that they found some “abnormalities” tending to autism. We all agree that I have none of the habits or non-social behaviour of an autistic person. Secondly, the so called “expert” who was in charge of the whole thing is, to be blunt, a complete arse. He was the person who literally forced me to go on antidepressants in the first place (he now claims he did no such thing, and we simply heard him wrong or took him out of context – really, all three of us?) He has gotten so many things wrong in the past that both myself and my parents are left questioning his professionalism, and he is the most patronising man I have ever had the misfortune to meet. He will give you his bullshit for hours (which I highly suspect is simply designed to cover up his mistakes and to change the subject) without anyone else being able to get a word in edgeways. My parents have had to literally shout at him on many occasions just to let either my opinions or their’s be heard above his. It’s people like him that make me seriously question the state of mental health services for people my age.
And then we get on to the actual test, which was a complete joke. The “ADOS” as it was called was designed for children about the age of 5. They asked me to read from a children’s book, gave me ‘Doctor Who’ toys to play with (and seemed to expect me to actually play with them) and talked to me in the most patronising manner imaginable. The whole thing was filmed. Words cannot describe how angry and freaked out I am by the nature of that test. To give a 17-year-old girl a test clearly designed for a 5 year old….the whole thing just weirded me out so much. The psych guy later claimed that it was very appropriate to my age level. What. The. Fuck? Where do they find these people? I think most of them are a lot more messed up in the head than any of the patients they see, and this guy is clearly no exception. Apparently they were concerned about my lack of questions during the test. Is it any wonder? I swear, it was about the weirdest thing that I’ve ever experienced. If I was to ask a question….where the hell would I even begin? Why are you treating me like I’m an infant? Is this for real? Why are you being so bloody patronising? Why is this being filmed? Why the fuck do I even need to sit this test if I already know that I don’t have autism? But no, I sit there with the anger and outrage slowly welling up inside of me, because I am too afraid to question anyone. I’m too afraid of offending them.
They were also very concerned about my poor eye contact. No shit, Sherlock. Why do I find it so difficult to look someone in the eyes? Because it’s terrifying, that’s why. Just looking into someone else’s eyes for me is about the equivalent of a normal person being screamed at and verbally threatened by an extremely furious or dangerous person. That’s what it feels like every time I meet another person’s eyes for me. I know it’s stupid, pathetic even. I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but I do. So I prefer to make minimal eye contact, because it makes me feel threatened and in danger. The difference between me and an autistic person is that they often don’t know how to pick up on various social signals, or how basic social skills, such as making eye contact work. I know all of this. I know how to tell if someone is angry with me, or if I’m boring them. I’m aware that I’m very avoidant when it comes to eye contact, and I know that it should be at about 50% in most western cultures, whereas I give about 5-10%. We asked the psych about the difference between autism and social anxiety and how this would show up on the test, but he could give us no coherent answer to this (something which he tried to cover up by yet more of his wish-washy crap). All this has left me feeling awful. I know that if it does turn out that I have autism, it’s just something that makes me a bit different to most people, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but I am completely adamant that I don’t have it. I know it sounds weird but I just know that I don’t, I just feel it from the way I am with others. I pick up on their social ques no problem, it’s just that I feel so tense the whole time, that’s why I often end up making a mess of things. I don’t know what to do – we’ll be getting a second opinion anyway, and it certainly won’t be from anyone involved in CAMHS. I think I should just stop going there all together, to be honest. They’ve done nothing to help me in the entire two years I’ve been a patient there but put me on drugs which have just made me about 10 times worse than before.
To sum it up, they consistently choose either not to listen to me, or to get involved in a very negative way when they finally do listen. I wish I could be referred somewhere where people will actually do something to help, and not just treat me like a toddler. I can’t speak to them truthfully anymore in case they breach basic doctor-patient confidentiality and tell my parents again – my psychiatrist has already threatened to tell my mum about the self harm if it gets any worse. After my most recent appointment on Tuesday, I came to the realisation that my psychiatrist cannot and will not do anything more to help me. For as long I as keep going there, all they will continue to do is push the drugs down my throat, so to speak, and waste my time. So I made a decision – I will overcome this thing once and for all, or die trying. I want to prove to them that I was right all along, but most of all, I want to prove to myself that I do have the strength and the bravery to do it, that I am as good and as worthwhile a person as anyone else. It will not be easy – God knows it won’t, with panic attacks and depressive episodes catching me offguard all the time, but I can and WILL do this. Time to get my life back. 
